Self Actualisation Is The Only Worthy Goal

Imagine that it is your last day on Earth.

You’re lying on your deathbed and reflecting on your life.

How do you feel?

Do you feel overwhelmed with gratitude for a life well lived?

Or do you feel dismay, lamenting all the things you wish you’d done, but “never got around to”?

How would you know if you’d done the right things?

What is the measure of a life well lived?

All good questions to ask yourself.

One of my favourite definitions of hell, is that on your last day on Earth, the person you became meets the person you could have become.

Now, the obvious thread to pull on from that is that we should all seek to become the best version of ourselves.

Which is what Abraham Maslow would call “Self Actualisation”.

And I am here to argue that Self Actualisation is the only worthy goal for anyone to pursue in life.

But…

What actually is self-actualisation?

And how could you know if you’re doing it?

Well, let’s start with the definition:

Oxford Dictionary describes it as:

noun: self-actualisation

• the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

And Simplypsychology.org has this to say:

Self-actualisation is the complete realization of one’s potential, and the full development of one’s abilities and appreciation for life. This concept is at the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so not every human being reaches it.

So, we can start to clearly break self-actualisation down to a few key ideas:

1. The complete realisation of your personal, individual potential

2. The full development of all your skills and abilities

3. Appreciation and gratitude for the experience (life)

It’s also worth noting that it is “considered as a drive or need present in everyone” but that “not every human being reaches it”.

Which effectively means that there are a whole bunch of people who will live that version of hell I described earlier.

I want to help you avoid that.

But…

Here’s the problem with those definitions.

It’s all about you, your potential, your abilities, and your ability to feel gratitude for the journey.

Which means it’s also subjective, because your version of the “best” life for you, might be someone else's idea of torture.

And so we’re left with an understanding that there is a state that we can reach where we are the best version of ourselves…

Where we feel enriched, empowered, joyous and in flow because we are living life in our dharma…

But no clear path to get there.

And the reason for this is very simple, but very important:

Different core values = different goals.

Because…

Chasing a million dollars sounds cool.

It’s also measurable, so we can clearly tick a box to signify when we have achieved our goal.

But… you would need to ask yourself why that is important to you.

Helping a million people sounds cool.

It’s also measurable, so we can clearly tick a box to signify when we have achieved our goal.

But… you would need to ask yourself why that is important to you.

Most of the goals we set for ourselves, the yardsticks by which we will attempt to measure ourselves as being “successful” in life…

Have probably just been fed to you by whatever social media algorithms have been feeding your brain for the last few years.

They might look good, and sound good on paper, but will they actually lead you, individual-unique-you, on the path of self-actualisation?

Or will they steer you to a dead-end road where even upon attainment of the goal you’re left feeling barren and joyless?

And so, I encourage you to think about your goals and ask “Why? Why is this important to me?”

And then, dig a little deeper.

If you dig deep enough into the why behind the why, you'll inevitably find that either the goal was meaningless and thus should be discarded…

Or, perhaps in fact the goal really is a true representation of you living in alignment with your core values, and thus, will lead you on the right path toward actualisation.

Obviously, the latter is what we all want to aim for.

Now I want to be clear, this is a journey of discovery that I too am on.

You see, up until recently, I had big goals of becoming a billionaire, owning a fleet of private jets, and a luxury superyacht (amongst many other things).

Really.

And to be fair, these big aspirations were very useful for a period of time to fuel some dopamine, and help me push harder along the path that I am on.

And I am grateful for that.

But earlier this year I had what the Japanese would call a “satori”. A sudden awakening.

I started questioning…

Why did I want a billion dollars?

Do I actually want to live the life that would be required of me to achieve that goal?

I started imagining myself on board my superyacht… doing what exactly? Just sitting there?

I don’t drink, and I don’t have parties… so that function is kind of gone.

Kinda sounds boring.

I mean, sure you can go from place to place, but I can also just book a plane ticket for that.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t NOT want those things.

They would be nice.

But, they are also not prerequisites for me to live a happy and fulfilled life.

Not even close.

I started to realise that most of the things I’d been pegging my self-worth on were empty, vacuous status-signalling goals.

Big things that I could hang my hat on and say “Look! I made it! I am a success!”

Which, if status were in fact one of my core values, would have probably been fine.

But it isn't.

And my point here isn’t to tell you to lower your ambitions.

If you truly want to build a billion-dollar company, then absolutely you should do that.

I would just ask you to question why.

My point is that there are a vast number of ways you can define success, and your real goal should be to work out what version of success is most closely linked with your core, intrinsic values.

And then, be wildly ambitious, and push for the greatest level of “success”, in whatever that looks like for you.

If success to you is being able to take a nap in the afternoon every day, then nap like a fucking champion.

But…

It’s also important to remember that whilst self-actualisation is the goal, it’s not the first step.

There are four stages that you need to work through in order to get to self-actualisation.

And so, if you’re still contending with how to find food, water, and shelter…

Well, they are clearly more important than you trying to work out what your “best self” looks like.
In that case, your best self is alive, and that's it.

But, as you transgress the different stages, you create the capability to ask yourself “What’s next?”.

And it’s right around the “love and belonging” or “relationship” stage where you should be deeply thinking about your core values…

Because this will help you identify who you should be investing your time and energy with.

Your friends, your relationships, your social circles, even your family…
Will have a huge impact on your ability to feel self-worth.

It is only from here that you can springboard to self-actualisation.

And then your values will determine what the actualisation path looks like for you.

For example, if status is one of your core values, then perhaps the money, fast cars, fancy clothes, big houses etc really is what will make you happy.

If selflessness is one, then perhaps you’ll be more enriched by dedicating yourself to serving others, or to charity work.

Or perhaps curiosity and adventure feature highly for you, and you’d be happy to be backpacking around the world, reading books and discovering new places.

As you can see, they are all very different paths.

And depending on your values, each could be deemed as achieving the zenith of success.

Now, it is of course worth noting that you could do all three - Make heaps of money, do a heap of charity work, and also travel around the world regularly.

The point here though is to work out, if push came to shove, what are the things you would prioritise above all else? 

Because these are the things that truly matter to you, the things that when you reach your last day, you will be most grateful you have invested deeply in.

The things by which you weigh yourself to know, “Have I become the best version of myself? Have I lived my best life?”.

The rest are accoutrements.

And so, if our values are the determinants of what will lead us to our version of “the good life”, how do we find out what they are, before it’s too late?

Here are some things you can do…

Reflect on Past Experiences:

Think about significant moments in your life when you felt a profound sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, or contentment.

Consider what these moments have in common.

Are there recurring themes, such as helping others, overcoming challenges, learning, or creating something new?

By identifying these common threads, you can begin to identify values that are important to you.

Value Assessment Exercises: 

There are loads of different tools and exercises designed to help identify your core values.

For example, a popular one is a "values card sort" where you sort cards with different values (such as independence, security, creativity) into categories of importance to you.

Another is a "values journal," where for a set period of time, you record activities and decisions, and note how they align (or don't) with potential values.

Another method that I highly recommend is Dr John DeMartini’s Value Determination process, which you can find right here.

Also, if you want to see the interview I did with Dr John DeMartini, you can check it out here

Imagine Your Ideal Future:

What does your perfect day or ideal life look like?

What are you doing, who are you with, and how are you feeling?

The trick here is to unshackle your mind from your current circumstances, and really think:

If I could remove all the current constraints from my life, what would I do?

How would I spend my time?

Doing this can help you clarify your values by contemplating and examining the kind of life you aspire to.

The things that play a big role in your ideal life are likely tied to your values.

Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness:

Regular mindfulness practice, such as meditation or journaling, can help increase your self-awareness and reveal your core values.

By cultivating a deeper awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, you can better understand what truly matters to you.

Observe your emotional reactions to different situations—these can be key indicators of what you care about.

Personally, I spend an hour a day almost every day, reviewing the vision of my life, writing it down, and contemplating whether the things I am writing are truly the things that will bring me joy, and move me closer to my best life.

Identify Role Models and Mentors:

One of my favourite quotes from Gary Keller is “Choose Your Prophets”.

Rarely will someone embody all the characteristics you desire.

For example, someone could be fabulously wealthy, but have a terrible marriage… so you might take money advice from them, but probably not relationship advice.

Nonetheless, think about people you admire and respect.

They could be historical figures, characters in books or movies, people you know personally, or just people you look up to.

What qualities do these people have that you admire?

What actions or behaviours of theirs do you respect?

Also, conversely, what characteristics do they display that you don’t align with?

The answers to these questions can help illuminate values that are important to you.

However…

What you also need to realise is that

• This is not a quick process

• You’ll probably get it wrong when you first start

• Your values will change as your experiences and perspectives change

So this is not a “one and done” scenario.

Assessing your life, your values, and how closely you are aligned with your vision is a lifelong pursuit.

In fact, in this way, it is the essential embodiment of self-actualisation, because, self-actualisation is not a destination.

It is what the Japanese would call, Kaizen - a process of continuous improvement.

But, it is through this process, this quest, that we can create the garden bed in which our flowers of happiness, wholeness and fulfillment can grow.

And living a life where you feel happy, whole, and fulfilled…

Where you have become the best version of yourself…

And you’ve built a life based around the things that matter most to you…

Sounds a hell of a lot like self-actualisation to me.

Which is why I believe that self-actualisation is the only worthy goal that we should pursue.

Oh, and if you found this valuable, I’d love to hear from you.

Til next time,

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